The past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. There’s something that’s been happening in my mind that’s getting progressively worse and worse. More and more I’ve been noticing that I’m experiencing periods of forgetfulness and lately it’s been worse than ever. I’m having instances that are becoming more obvious day to day. The main thing I’ve been experiencing has been severe memory loss. If I don’t get a thought out as soon as I think it, like the very moment I formed the thought, within 2 seconds it can be gone forever and that’s becoming increasingly frustrating for me. If I’m having a conversation on the phone about anything, I can be talking to my daughter or ordering a pizza or whatever it may be, if I don’t say what I need to say at the very moment I think it, it’s not going to happen if the other person doesn’t allow me to interrupt. I tend not to remember what it was that I wanted to say. To make things worse for a while now I’ve been having periods of what I call blackouts. During these times, I have no recollection and no knowledge of what has occurred during a certain period of time. I’ve been told that I do strange things and I laugh it off saying I don’t believe it until the video proof surfaced.
I think it really started years ago when I realized that I would post strange things to Facebook in the middle of the night…..
I apologize. I need to sidetrack for a moment. As I was writing just now, hubby entered my bedroom to start an argument as he usually likes to do when I’m doing “ok” for a few days and in under 5 minutes, he left me in tears. What he said is of no consequence, just what i perceive to be malicious behavior on his part. It almost seems as though he gets some sort of pleasure every time he makes me cry and unfortunately, this seems to be the norm as opposed to the exception lately. I no longer have any peace in my life. I am no longer living, but rather existing. Why? Because he was really my last saving grace since I became sick. I guess its pretty bad that I allowed my identity to be centered around him, as if he weren’t around, I would just wilt and die, but nobody could convince me that he wasn’t an angel sent from up above to save me. I’ve been so disillusioned my entire life and then along comes this Knight in shining armor who I quickly fell in love with. After being in an abusive marriage for 13 years, and maintaining a single life for another 10 years, my angel came and rescued me. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better man. And when I was pregnant with our child and was diagnosed with Lupus, he became so much more. Not only did he make an honest woman out of me and married me, but he also became my best friend, my rock, my source of inspiration and my everything. He gave me the power and the strength I needed to face Lupus, to face RA, to face Fibromyalgia and to face every other horrible new illness I was handed out throughout the years. He was the best support system ever. And I made sure to tell him everyday how thankful and appreciative I was of him. Very often I would go on Facebook and tell the world what a wonderful husband I had because in my opinion, a good man should always be acknowledged, and if I could have, I would have yelled it from the highest mountaintop to let people know that there still was such a thing as a good man and I had the privilege and the honor of being blessed with the best one.
As the years went by, I started to become more ill as I was continuously being diagnosed with other illnesses and a liver that hyper-metabolized my meds rendering my pain medications virtually useless. But I kept going, kept trying to stay alive, out of sheer love for my family and nothing else. I had become so ill that I didn’t care what happened to me anymore due to the constant pain I had to endure along with the inability to walk for months at a time. I just didn’t care, but at the same time, I continued to fight for my life just so that my husband and children wouldn’t have to suffer my loss. Wow, I’m in tears again. One day, without any warning, without me even suspecting that anything was wrong, he came to me and told me that he didn’t sign up for this. HE DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS! CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I SIGNED UP??? What paper did I sign that gave me the honor of living in constant pain for the rest of my life, or the dozens of surgeries I stopped keeping track of after the 50th procedure, or the blood transfusions or hospital stays or the IVIG infusions for a week at a time. I probably shouldn’t even mention the 20 or so pills I have to take each day just to stay alive on top of the multiple narcotics I have to take just to take the edge off my pain. Somebody please tell me where the hell I signed up. I am so friggin angry right now. And after I spent years of my life praising this main, he also went on to say that I didn’t appreciate him. Here come the waterworks again. Nothing was ever the same after that. I was so incredibly hurt by this that it almost felt like if someone were stepping on my chest, trying to crush my ribs, shattering my heart into a billion miniscule pieces. At that point, even though I tried to forgive him, because I knew it was stressful taking care of a sick wife, but as much as I tried, I was never able to look at him in the same way again. Hence, our marriage was over. But you know what? Please don’t hate him. He still is a very good man and the greatest dad ever to our daughter. She absolutely adores him. But I guess the pressure just became too much for him. Every person has his limits. Currently, we co-habitate for the sake of our child but I just don’t quite understand why it feels like he intentionally tries to hurt me when at some point in our marriage he actually loved me. But that’s OK. I still have a tremendous amount of respect for him plus the perk of extra closet space. So it’s a win, win…. Right?
Wow, this was supposed to be a whole different blog and it seems to have been derailed. So sorry my butterflies. I shall try to continue where I left off. I almost don’t want to finish my blog now, after having to relive all that with every memory hurting me more than the one before, and believe it or not, I still love him, because I’ve forced myself to understand that being sick is not something you experience by yourself, but your family and loved ones also have to share in your pain to some extent.
At this point, several hours have passed and I’m still feeling every emotion, so raw, so intrinsically damaging. I am in so much pain, physically of course, that’s a given, but mostly, it’s a psychological pain. I almost really hate to say this, but I think I preferred to be a battered wife, because the pain from any blow will inevitably go away (please don’t hate me for saying that, I’m only human), but when someone hurts your soul, the very fiber of your being, how do you fix that? How do you let it go? How do you forgive and forget? I want to, I really do. But sometimes things don’t get better with the passing of time. Sometimes they just hover over your head, unwilling to retreat, a constant reminder of so many things gone wrong. I have never really voiced these thoughts and dint realize how much they really needed to be said so I thank you all reading and getting an insight into my life.
OK Spoonies, it’s really late now and I can’t seem to distract my mind long enough to finish my original post. Right now, I am so tired and emotionally drained that it’s just not going to happen. Not to mention the fact that my eyes are now swollen and my vision is blurred. But I promise, you shall have the original blog soon.
In the meantime, would anyone like to offer any advice or share a similar story? I hate the feeling that I’m sitting here enjoying my covfefe all by myself, so please comment and let me know your thoughts. Good night my beautiful butterflies. Good night.
One final note… If you do decide to comment, i just realized that the comment area is all the way on the bottom of the page past the shares, likes and ads, over the hills and through the fields. I know its a major inconvenience but it’s there for you to utilize if you so choose until I can figure out how to bring the comment area up on the page guys. So sorry, i don’t know a thing about building a web page but I’ll get it figured out for you. Thanks for your patience.