I am in my early 20s and my boyfriend is 11 years older than me, is that normal?

 

Hey there Lupies, Spoonies, and Butterflies. Hope everyone is doing great today. The following is a question I responded to on another site and I wanted to know how you would respond to this question as well. Was I completely wrong? Did I jump the gun? What advice would you have given?

I apologize for this article being somewhat off topic, but as I’ve mentioned, I would really like us to do things differently. I want you to be able to find any kind of information you need right here. This is also a subject that I have a lot of familiarity with so hopefully, you all can understand this and back me with what I’m trying to accomplish. Be forewarned, this post may not be for everyone, so if you are triggered by domestic violence, please do not read. For the rest of my butterflies, I’m really looking forward to reading your responses.

Trigger: Domestic Violence

Oh honey, please don’t. I married a man 12 years my senior and it took me a long time to realize that the reason why he chose a much younger bride, was because it gave him all of the control and the power in the relationship. And the first time I got hit, was on my wedding day. I’m sure every young lady who reads this will say, oh no, that won’t happen to me, the same way I said it back in 1989. But for the next 13 years I wasn’t allowed to have any friends, I was forced to quit college (we can’t have an educated wife now, can we), I wasn’t allowed to learn how to drive, I could only accept jobs which were on his list of pre-approved employment. As soon as I got paid, I had to hand my paycheck over to him while I went on for years with the same clothing because he wouldn’t give me $20 from the money I made for a pair of pants. I remember my beautiful boss Susan would always buy me clothes and socks and underwear for Christmas because she was just so sad to find that I didn’t even have any pairs of socks to wear in the middle of the winter. I was so embarrassed that I would just joke about it saying it was ok for me not to wear socks because I was Dominican.

As the years passed, he had placed so much fear in me that I just stayed there to be abused and bare his children and bring in the money. What I despise the most, is people who say, oh, you should have just left, and for the most part, I never wish anybody any I’ll will, but I really wish that anybody who has ever said that be put in a domestic violence situation and be asked that stupid question to see how they like it. But you know what, I’m going to play nice and explain why I didn’t just leave. The fear this man placed inside me was so intense that it was paralyzing. I won’t go into great detail but basically he told me that if I ever left him and hat he would find me and kill me. If he couldn’t find me he would kill my mother or my brothers or whoever he could find that I loved. If I wasn’t going to be for him, I wasn’t going to be for anybody. Blah, blah, blah, all the usual things that cowards say. And the day he put the gun to my head and cocked the trigger, I knew he was serious. So out of pure love for my children, we had 3 together, plus five of his children that I didn’t know about until a year after we were married which I petitioned from the Dominican Republic and raised per his orders, out of the love I had for these 8 children, I tried to commit suicide. My rationale was that if I killed myself, the kids would still have one parent and wouldn’t have to go to different homes if he killed me, I was six feet under and he was in prison. It took me 13 years to finally grow a set of balls, face that gun again, and turn my back to him daring him to kill me.

Ok look, I know I got very over a very simple question that seems quite normal. But to me it’s not normal for a man to be with a woman who could possibly be his child. It’s not normal. And in the beginning it’s all fun and games and laughter and romance and rose colored glasses and then all of a sudden you find yourself in line at city hall to be married before the justice of the peace. You know why? Because this man is not going to give you that fairytale wedding you always dreamed of, it’s not going to happen. He’s already got you wrapped around his little pinky.

I’m not trying to scare you….. actually, scratch that, I am trying to scare you. And oh God, how I really hope that I’m so wrong about this entire situation, I really do. But I responded because I don’t want what happened to me to happen to anyone else. And I really do hope that I’m completely wrong for your sake. But open your eyes, look for the signs, does anything seem off , is anything just not quite right? Have you caught him in lies? At this point, I’m just really curious how old you are and pray that you are old and wise enough to analyze everything and make the right decisions. When I was 20, I thought I knew everything. But as it turns out, I didn’t know anything at all. I was just a dumb kid, which usually 20 year olds refuse to admit. But it wasn’t until I was in my late 30s that I realized how little I did know.

Anyway sweetie, I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that everything turns out perfectly for you and that I am so wrong about the entire situation.

In perfect love and perfect trust,
Ria

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